the way of the dodo

Are men becoming obsolete?

Maybe it’s the approach of Valentine’s Day, but suddenly there seem to be a spat of articles about women and relationships and a man’s role therein.

There was “Mad at Dad,” a report about how angry women are at their spouses or live-in partners at the lack of support they’re getting from those men and how unequal the division of responsibilities still is when it comes to housework and child-rearing.

There’s “2 kids + O husbands = Family” in the New York Times, about single mothers banding together to create their own communities and support networks, relying on each other instead of men. The women interviewed for this article are straight, heterosexual women who’ve deliberately left the dating pool to concentrate on raising their kids, and who are doing that raising with the help and support of other women of like minds.

And then there was this headline on Salon, “Are men necessary?” The conclusion of that writer is that it’s unfair to rule out the contributions of one gender and that, of course, men aren’t ‘expendable.’

I don’t know, though. Expendable? No, of course not. But necessary? Ummm….no.

Once you reach a certain age, when you pass the hearts and flowers and happily-ever-after believing stage, being single means your life can settle into its own peaceful, serene, drama-free rhythms. It means being in control of your own destiny, making your own choices. Being responsible to and for yourself.

And frankly, it means not having to put up with anyone’s shit.

Speaking personally, it’s a great feeling to be at a point in my life when I’m happy with just me.

I loved one man with all the fervor of my youth and have no regrets, because my children are the result of that relationship and my life would be empty without them.

I was lucky to love another man with every fiber in my soul. Still do, if I’m being honest, and I don’t regret that either. You only get one chance to feel that much, and I’m glad I had it.

But at this point in my life, like a lot of other women in a similar place, my life is good just as it is. I’m looking forward to living alone. I’m giving all my furniture to my daughter and replacing it with what I want, not what’s practical, even if it means I sit on lawn chairs for six months while I save up the money. I’m going to have that all-white bedroom I’ve always wanted. I will control the remote control.

Know what I’d get if I added a man to my life at this point? Someone to clean up after. Someone to consult before making a decision. More laundry. A toilet seat to put down. Someone who’d expect closet space.

Let’s face it – when women want a man for….well, what they want a man for….it’s easy enough to find one. You can have that without all the baggage that goes with it, without having to build your life around someone else or become someone’s maid or mommy. And without becoming one of those women who let men treat them badly, because they’re afraid to be without a man.

I completely understand when women reach a stage in life when it’s just easier, smoother, more peaceful, to row your own boat. It’s not that men are unnecessary – it’s that sometimes, they’re not worth the trouble.